Bittersweet eve

My heart is full and empty at the same time. It is midnight, and it is officially my 27th birthday. Geez, where does time go? I feel so old...so vulnerable, susceptible, nostalgic, yet happy. I am grateful to my Father in heaven who has blessed me with these years of life, with the family I was born into, and the family I inherited when I married my best friend. These are the components of a full heart. Yet, at the same time, my heart feels somewhat empty from a void of the treasures of childhood: naiveté and carelessness. I wish that these treasures never had to fade away. To be like a child again...Fortunately, the melancholy of memories from the past is easily overcome with hope and anticipation for what the future holds :)

I want to be there

I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.

I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.

I want to be there with grass stains on my shoes from mowing my Sister Schenk's lawn.

I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbor's children.

I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden.

I want to be there with the children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.

I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived.

~ by Marjorie Pay Hinckley.

What a great outlook to have on life and its purpose. How I miss her.

First Mother's Day

Have I mentioned that I have the best husband EVER? Well, I do. This morning, my poor husband who got home from work at 12:30, woke up at 7:00 am (very early for him) to make me a delicious breakfast comprised of french toast, a fresh fruit medley, bacon strips, and orange juice. It was the perfect way to begin the Sabbath. Usually we are scrambling to make it to church on time. We had breakfast, got ready, and were on time to church. Church was good...I think. Most of the time I am too busy keeping Kamila from crawling up and down the aisles. Which, actually, happened today. Only that today, as I roamed the halls with my little crawler, I thought about what it really means to be a mother. To be a mother means to roam the halls with my daughter, even if it means that I miss out on other things, such as Relief Society class. As it is with many things in life. Mothers, good mothers, sacrifice themselves: their needs, wants, wishes, longings, all for the sake of what is best for their child. At first I was slightly annoyed that Kami chooses to act up specifically when we are at church. But then I finally understood something that has been right in front of me all along. Motherhood is the encapsulation of what the Savior taught. He taught that "he who loses his life for my sake will find it". Mothers lose themselves amidst the tremendous effort required to raise a child with love, principles, and morals. However, mothers also find a life, a very priceless and rewarding life, as they do so. I have learned more about the Savior now that I am a mother. I think I may have 'lost' who I used to be. That is a good thing. I believe I am losing the Kristal who was naturally and unconsciously self-centered and am slowing becoming the mother who has found a fulfilling life completely centered around my adorable husband and tender daughter. I feel so grateful to have been given the responsibility and gift of motherhood. I am also grateful for the two mothers that I have. One gave me life and has taught me, through her example, how to live it so that I can be happy. My other mother gave me her son, who gives meaning to my life. I am proud to say that I have two amazing, wonderful women whom I call Mom. I love you both with all of me and thank you for everything that you have done and continue to do for us.

To be a Mother

I remember wondering just 6 years ago if I would ever be married to that perfect guy and have perfect little beings call me "mommy". It is almost surreal at times to see myself in the shoes I so yearned for. I understand that the greatest rewards come from the greater challenges. Motherhood is no exception. Having a little girl come into my life after 10 long months of endless nausea and heartburn, backaches, sleepless nights, and fatigued days has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. Although being a mother has been challenging to the point of wondering what it is about me that made God think me to be an apt mother, it has also been the most wonderful role that I could have assumed. I love to look at this little girl and see a reflection of myself and sometimes of her father, staring back at me; I love how she caresses my face when I hold her in my arms before bed; I love how she screeches when she is excited; I love how she looks at Chip; I LOVE HER. After all, how could anyone resist this delicate, tender, little perfection? Kamila, I love you with all my heart and I am thankful for the gift of being chosen to be your mother.

Sleepless in Provo

It is 3:44 a.m. and, if I didn't know any better I would say that my head is on the verge of literally exploding. Let me explain the excruciatingly complex thoughts that the little wheels inside my head are cooking up. Kamila has been a relatively good sleeper since we started sleep training her at 6 weeks. I know that you are thinking, "Six weeks?!" Yes, six weeks. Don't judge me. It actually worked like a charm, and for the most part has been effective throughout these ten months of K's life. BUT- then you have nights like tonight. She has been playing and crawling all day long, had one nap instead of two, took her out to the mall to get out of the house and was a perfect baby. However, she is up and kicking (literally) since 2 in the morning. I. Want. To. Hang.Myself. I have changed her diaper just in case, fed her, and burped her. Say what you may/want, but there is only so much you can do. These are the times when I feel so inadequate as a mother. I feel guilty for feeling aggravated that I have not slept for more than 6 hours straight since who knows when. At times I feel like just throwing in the towel. Oh, that's right. You just can't throw in the towel with motherhood. I don't want to make it seem like I hate being a mother and this is the most challenging thing I have ever come across because it is my 'Goliath' that seems too big to tackle. Most of the time, I love being the most important nurturer to that little, adorable, most precious baby girl. And sometimes, I don't "love it". Sometimes motherhood becomes a challenge instead of a pleasure. Does feeling that make me such a terrible person? I don't feel that I am, but I find myself wondering if besides being a terrible person I am also deranged for not recognizing that I'm terrible. I can not tell you how aggravating it is to me to hear other novice mothers gush about how amazingly-incredibly-awesome being a mother is and how they love every second of it. REALLY?! Every single second?? IF this is true, then they must be freaks of nature or high on something. I would love to have some magical contraption to spy on them 24/7 to verify that their life as a mother is as cheeky-rosy as they crack it up to be. And, if I were to miraculously discover that this actually IS possible, then I would love a magical contraption that makes it possible. I promise that I am a sane, loving, nurturing mother and person. This is what sleep deprivation does to me (not to make any excuses). Heck, I think it is my prerogative to not give in to mushiness and be able to acknowledge that motherhood is hard. You know, people say that mothers have a sixth sense. We really do. This is why Kamila can be crying in her room, with her and our room doors shut (of course it doesn't help that our rooms are right next to each other and the walls are paper thin--I hate old houses), and I will develop an excruciating migraine (sometimes just from thinking that I can hear her cry) all while Chip sleeps like a log. Not fair. Even when she has stopped crying, I can feel my head throbbing as I am wondering if the soft whimpers that are audible to me are actually even audible. Two and a half hours later, she has finally stopped crying. My head is still vibrating like a string on a violin. Maybe I can go to bed now and stop trying to fathom why there are people who claim to completely understand babies and their wants and needs. I'm not a terrible mother...just a mother who is human.

Who are You not to Be?

Today I came across a quote that just hit me and will surely stay with me for the rest of my life for it has taken its place amidst my favorite quotes. It says:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."

Who am I not to be? Again- Who am I NOT TO BE? Be, Be, Be...Be the best you can be.

I can see it!

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel...for schooling, that is. I will be an official college graduate in November. I couldn't have done this without Chip. You are so amazing, sweetheart. Thank you for helping me get up and going when I couldn't do it myself.
School resumes in the Fall (August 24th, I believe) and I will be in a 3rd grade class all day long. I will even be the one and only teacher in the classroom for 3 weeks out of the 10 weeks left of my scholastic journey. I'm actually quite excited about that. I am not, however, looking forward to hardly seeing my precious little girl and husband during that time. It is going to be a tough 10 weeks. Oh well, the show must go on, right? In the meantime, I have 4 months of summer time! May, June, July and pretty much all of August. Why can't I be rich so that we could afford to move home for these months only to return to wrap things up and pack up to leave again? :( I am racking my brain thinking of how I am going to remain productive during this time. I guess I should look over my resolutions list from January and get to it (since I have yet to accomplish a single goal [sigh] ). I think I will lose 10 pounds, read some books, organize the nursery/office, and take on some Italian lessons. That sounds good for now...we will see how much I got done when August rolls around. Yay for the beginning of summer break :)

10 months

This little girl is growing up too fast. She decided she was ready to crawl when we were at my grandfather's funeral service (very bittersweet for me- the last time he saw her he kept telling her to get on with it and crawl...I'm sure that put a smile on his face that she accomplished this at his farewell) and now is my little super crawler, all over the place. She constantly contemplates the possibility of letting go of whatever it is that she is holding on to as she stands. Then she becomes too frustrated that she is too scared to let go and begin taking steps. She is hilarious! I look at her often and cannot believe that in two months she will no longer be an infant, but considered more of a toddler.
She loves to play peek-a-boo with Papi and even gets shy when they do so. She loves her daddy that's for sure! She is feisty (like me, for sure), clever (like her dad), tender, and bubbly.
Here she is wearing the Mexican soccer jersey that my dad gave her last summer. I was surprised that it still fits. So, in the spirit of anticipation of the World Cup this summer, I dressed her up, grabbed the camera, and she just smiled away. Can't wait to be in El Paso this summer for the big family parties while we watch the games. ¡Vamos Mexico! :)