Sleepless in Provo

It is 3:44 a.m. and, if I didn't know any better I would say that my head is on the verge of literally exploding. Let me explain the excruciatingly complex thoughts that the little wheels inside my head are cooking up. Kamila has been a relatively good sleeper since we started sleep training her at 6 weeks. I know that you are thinking, "Six weeks?!" Yes, six weeks. Don't judge me. It actually worked like a charm, and for the most part has been effective throughout these ten months of K's life. BUT- then you have nights like tonight. She has been playing and crawling all day long, had one nap instead of two, took her out to the mall to get out of the house and was a perfect baby. However, she is up and kicking (literally) since 2 in the morning. I. Want. To. Hang.Myself. I have changed her diaper just in case, fed her, and burped her. Say what you may/want, but there is only so much you can do. These are the times when I feel so inadequate as a mother. I feel guilty for feeling aggravated that I have not slept for more than 6 hours straight since who knows when. At times I feel like just throwing in the towel. Oh, that's right. You just can't throw in the towel with motherhood. I don't want to make it seem like I hate being a mother and this is the most challenging thing I have ever come across because it is my 'Goliath' that seems too big to tackle. Most of the time, I love being the most important nurturer to that little, adorable, most precious baby girl. And sometimes, I don't "love it". Sometimes motherhood becomes a challenge instead of a pleasure. Does feeling that make me such a terrible person? I don't feel that I am, but I find myself wondering if besides being a terrible person I am also deranged for not recognizing that I'm terrible. I can not tell you how aggravating it is to me to hear other novice mothers gush about how amazingly-incredibly-awesome being a mother is and how they love every second of it. REALLY?! Every single second?? IF this is true, then they must be freaks of nature or high on something. I would love to have some magical contraption to spy on them 24/7 to verify that their life as a mother is as cheeky-rosy as they crack it up to be. And, if I were to miraculously discover that this actually IS possible, then I would love a magical contraption that makes it possible. I promise that I am a sane, loving, nurturing mother and person. This is what sleep deprivation does to me (not to make any excuses). Heck, I think it is my prerogative to not give in to mushiness and be able to acknowledge that motherhood is hard. You know, people say that mothers have a sixth sense. We really do. This is why Kamila can be crying in her room, with her and our room doors shut (of course it doesn't help that our rooms are right next to each other and the walls are paper thin--I hate old houses), and I will develop an excruciating migraine (sometimes just from thinking that I can hear her cry) all while Chip sleeps like a log. Not fair. Even when she has stopped crying, I can feel my head throbbing as I am wondering if the soft whimpers that are audible to me are actually even audible. Two and a half hours later, she has finally stopped crying. My head is still vibrating like a string on a violin. Maybe I can go to bed now and stop trying to fathom why there are people who claim to completely understand babies and their wants and needs. I'm not a terrible mother...just a mother who is human.

Who are You not to Be?

Today I came across a quote that just hit me and will surely stay with me for the rest of my life for it has taken its place amidst my favorite quotes. It says:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."

Who am I not to be? Again- Who am I NOT TO BE? Be, Be, Be...Be the best you can be.

I can see it!

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel...for schooling, that is. I will be an official college graduate in November. I couldn't have done this without Chip. You are so amazing, sweetheart. Thank you for helping me get up and going when I couldn't do it myself.
School resumes in the Fall (August 24th, I believe) and I will be in a 3rd grade class all day long. I will even be the one and only teacher in the classroom for 3 weeks out of the 10 weeks left of my scholastic journey. I'm actually quite excited about that. I am not, however, looking forward to hardly seeing my precious little girl and husband during that time. It is going to be a tough 10 weeks. Oh well, the show must go on, right? In the meantime, I have 4 months of summer time! May, June, July and pretty much all of August. Why can't I be rich so that we could afford to move home for these months only to return to wrap things up and pack up to leave again? :( I am racking my brain thinking of how I am going to remain productive during this time. I guess I should look over my resolutions list from January and get to it (since I have yet to accomplish a single goal [sigh] ). I think I will lose 10 pounds, read some books, organize the nursery/office, and take on some Italian lessons. That sounds good for now...we will see how much I got done when August rolls around. Yay for the beginning of summer break :)

10 months

This little girl is growing up too fast. She decided she was ready to crawl when we were at my grandfather's funeral service (very bittersweet for me- the last time he saw her he kept telling her to get on with it and crawl...I'm sure that put a smile on his face that she accomplished this at his farewell) and now is my little super crawler, all over the place. She constantly contemplates the possibility of letting go of whatever it is that she is holding on to as she stands. Then she becomes too frustrated that she is too scared to let go and begin taking steps. She is hilarious! I look at her often and cannot believe that in two months she will no longer be an infant, but considered more of a toddler.
She loves to play peek-a-boo with Papi and even gets shy when they do so. She loves her daddy that's for sure! She is feisty (like me, for sure), clever (like her dad), tender, and bubbly.
Here she is wearing the Mexican soccer jersey that my dad gave her last summer. I was surprised that it still fits. So, in the spirit of anticipation of the World Cup this summer, I dressed her up, grabbed the camera, and she just smiled away. Can't wait to be in El Paso this summer for the big family parties while we watch the games. ¡Vamos Mexico! :)

When life gives you lemons...

When life gives you lemons...don't suck on them. That's my new mantra. I don't know about making lemonade all the time. It can be hard to make lemonade, if you know what I mean. It is so much easier to complain, point fingers, and have a pity party when things don't go our way. I guess I have to stop sucking on lemons...The semester is finally over and I can honestly ask, How on Earth did I get here? I have the world's most amazing husband and support group- that's why. I have doubted myself and my ability to accomplish some things in life in the past and now that I am getting so close to realizing one of my dreams I cannot help but to feel grateful for the blessings that I have been given all along. I have been blessed with a wonderful companion, a healthy and lively baby girl, and excellent parents, siblings, and an in-law family that is just amazing. So instead of wishing that things were different, wasting time being sad over things that I can not control, wishing people were more genuine and calid, I should just grab a good book and pour myself a glass of lemonade.

Abuelito Enrique

Really-where does time go? Kamila will be turning one in just two months. Our 3 year anniversary is in a little over a month. How I love that man that I met 4 years ago. He keeps me going, keeps me grounded and sane. He makes everything worthwhile and makes me feel like everything will be alright when things crumble around me. These past two months have been ultimately busy to put it lightly. Student teaching for this semester began mid-March and my sweet mother came to our rescue to watch Kamila as I was teaching from 7:30-3 and Chip working from 2:30 p.m. to midnight. Needless to say that without her I literally would have lost it. Actually, I think I kind of did. I'm sure I could have been nicer and of a brighter and warmer demeanor but stress and sleep deprivation does tend to get the best of me (not giving excuses). (Mama, si lees esto quiero que sepas cuanto te amo. Perdoname por no demostrartelo como deberia. Estoy aprendiendo a ser mas como tu. Te amo tanto.)
Just as field was coming to an end, my dear grandfather passed away Friday morning, March 26th. My mom, Kami and I immediately made plans to fly home the next morning. I am the kind of person who will constantly beat myself up over things I should have done or said. This situation was no exception. My heart was in pain, thinking about all the missed moments, missed phone calls, missed visiting opportunities that I didn't cherish or take the time to savor. I know that my grandfather is still my grandfather and that he is watching over me. I know that he knows how much I love him. I do not know how people who are not of my faith cope with death. I know that there is a plan, called the Plan of Happiness, that allows families to be together forever. Without this knowledge, death really can be tragic. My grandfather died of brain and prostate cancer after a short, but painful battle. I was not able to say my "last" goodbye. I felt an impression to call him the night before his death but decided that I was not strong enough to hear an update on his health and trusted that there would be another chance to do so. That chance never came...because it was given to me and I didn't take it. As I saw his body lay before me, I felt him comfort me and tell me he loved me. I was able to recognize that that was just a body and that his spirit awaits our reunion just as much as I long for it.
This year has been nothing short of trials and heartbreak, but at the end of the day, I give thanks for the happiness and many, many blessings in my life. I am grateful to be part of the restored gospel that holds the only authority to seal families forever. I am grateful for the promises that I have made and been given in the temple. For those who are not familiar with my faith, you can click here and here for an explanation on temples and the Plan of Happiness. I am grateful to know that happiness is not "until death do you apart"... but that happiness is forever.

Little Stones

I remember the days when I used to keep a journal and suddenly I feel the nostalgia of having a confidante that will only listen; I can express thoughts, feelings, anguish, preoccupations, glee, whatever it is that is consuming me without having to worry about how things will be said or taken, without having to worry about any judgment. Maybe I should start writing again. Sadly, I am either too lazy or maybe technology has robbed me of the desire to grab the old pen and pencil and jot down these impressions. I will justify feeling this way by thinking that I am at least recording my experiences. Maybe it would be ok for this blog to be my journal for a while...
This week has been eventful to say the least. My "eternal roommate" had another birthday; Kamila has started rolling over and clapping, signing for "more", waving goodbye; my sweet and dear friend Alex returned from a mission in Guatemala today; the earthquake in Chile has brought so much pain and devastation shortly after our brethren in Haiti were afflicted, just to mention a few things. At times like this, my heart breaks as it experiences bittersweet moments of the thing called LIFE. Many blame God for so much misery. I feel very fortunate and blessed to never, ever, ever have thought that God is one that instills misery and pain in his children's lives. I can not fathom the justification in this postulation. There have been very bumpy times in my life where I definitely have felt alone, like the earth under my feet shakes and I have nothing to hold on to.However, whether I was able to recognize it at the time or not, there was always something there to hold me up. I have no doubt in my heart what that something is. I only wish that the people whom I love and care about were able to feel and recognize this same something. It is so easy to dwell on the life we wish we could have, on the way we wish things could be, on things we don't have, on who we are not. A couple of months ago, a stake presidency member visited Relief Society and in a very unusual way, just had a heart to heart with us. He reminded us that we were truly daughter of a Father who is a GOD, who loves us the way that we only get a glimpse of in this mortal life. I think of the time that Kamila was help up before my eyes for the first time and I felt that my heart would literally burst of happiness for it was not possible to be able to feel so much and so deeply in a fraction of time. It is truly amazing to know that my Father loves me way more than that. We were also told that we, as women, tend to over-analyze life. He counseled us to "not pull out a beautiful and growing flower just to look at the roots". This thought has since then sporadically revisited my mind, always reminding me to let things take its course, to have faith, and to appreciate my blessings instead of questioning whether my flower is beautiful or not, growing or not. The only thing that will happen when the flower is ripped out to be checked on, is that life will be ripped out of it. Life can definitely be hard, but it is also definitely worth it. It is full of stumbling rocks which, if handled correctly, will be like small stones instead. I love music. I think there will definitely be music in Heaven. Music may just be the most powerful worldly source of comfort in my life. I am grateful that music can help bridge the earth and heavens...at least it is for me right now.

"River God" by Mindy Gledhill

Rolling river God,
little stones are smooth, only as the water passes through.
So I am a stone, rough and grainy still
Trying to reconcile this rivers chill.
But when I close my eyes, and feel you rushing by
I know that time brings change, and change takes time.
And when the sunset comes,
My prayer would be this one:
That you might pick me up and notice that I am,
just a little smoother in Your hand.
Sometimes raging wild,
Sometimes swollen high,
But never have I known this River dry.
The deepest part of you
Is where I want to stay.
And feel the sharpest edges wash away.
And when I close my eyes
And feel you rushing by,
I know that time brings change
And change takes time.
And when the sunset comes,
My prayer would be just one.
That you might pick me up and notice that I am,
just a little smoother in Your hand.
Rolling River God,
little stones are smooth
only once the water passes through.