Little Stones

I remember the days when I used to keep a journal and suddenly I feel the nostalgia of having a confidante that will only listen; I can express thoughts, feelings, anguish, preoccupations, glee, whatever it is that is consuming me without having to worry about how things will be said or taken, without having to worry about any judgment. Maybe I should start writing again. Sadly, I am either too lazy or maybe technology has robbed me of the desire to grab the old pen and pencil and jot down these impressions. I will justify feeling this way by thinking that I am at least recording my experiences. Maybe it would be ok for this blog to be my journal for a while...
This week has been eventful to say the least. My "eternal roommate" had another birthday; Kamila has started rolling over and clapping, signing for "more", waving goodbye; my sweet and dear friend Alex returned from a mission in Guatemala today; the earthquake in Chile has brought so much pain and devastation shortly after our brethren in Haiti were afflicted, just to mention a few things. At times like this, my heart breaks as it experiences bittersweet moments of the thing called LIFE. Many blame God for so much misery. I feel very fortunate and blessed to never, ever, ever have thought that God is one that instills misery and pain in his children's lives. I can not fathom the justification in this postulation. There have been very bumpy times in my life where I definitely have felt alone, like the earth under my feet shakes and I have nothing to hold on to.However, whether I was able to recognize it at the time or not, there was always something there to hold me up. I have no doubt in my heart what that something is. I only wish that the people whom I love and care about were able to feel and recognize this same something. It is so easy to dwell on the life we wish we could have, on the way we wish things could be, on things we don't have, on who we are not. A couple of months ago, a stake presidency member visited Relief Society and in a very unusual way, just had a heart to heart with us. He reminded us that we were truly daughter of a Father who is a GOD, who loves us the way that we only get a glimpse of in this mortal life. I think of the time that Kamila was help up before my eyes for the first time and I felt that my heart would literally burst of happiness for it was not possible to be able to feel so much and so deeply in a fraction of time. It is truly amazing to know that my Father loves me way more than that. We were also told that we, as women, tend to over-analyze life. He counseled us to "not pull out a beautiful and growing flower just to look at the roots". This thought has since then sporadically revisited my mind, always reminding me to let things take its course, to have faith, and to appreciate my blessings instead of questioning whether my flower is beautiful or not, growing or not. The only thing that will happen when the flower is ripped out to be checked on, is that life will be ripped out of it. Life can definitely be hard, but it is also definitely worth it. It is full of stumbling rocks which, if handled correctly, will be like small stones instead. I love music. I think there will definitely be music in Heaven. Music may just be the most powerful worldly source of comfort in my life. I am grateful that music can help bridge the earth and heavens...at least it is for me right now.

"River God" by Mindy Gledhill

Rolling river God,
little stones are smooth, only as the water passes through.
So I am a stone, rough and grainy still
Trying to reconcile this rivers chill.
But when I close my eyes, and feel you rushing by
I know that time brings change, and change takes time.
And when the sunset comes,
My prayer would be this one:
That you might pick me up and notice that I am,
just a little smoother in Your hand.
Sometimes raging wild,
Sometimes swollen high,
But never have I known this River dry.
The deepest part of you
Is where I want to stay.
And feel the sharpest edges wash away.
And when I close my eyes
And feel you rushing by,
I know that time brings change
And change takes time.
And when the sunset comes,
My prayer would be just one.
That you might pick me up and notice that I am,
just a little smoother in Your hand.
Rolling River God,
little stones are smooth
only once the water passes through.